[Part 2Part 3]

Jonathan helps us remember last week’s events, and it’s hilarious to hear him talk about Recyclopse winning when all the footage they have to show of the robot is when it’s being pushed around my Mortis. Last week the illuminati pyramid robot Uglybot tried to brave the Gauntlet and ate shit immediately, travelling one Grunt before succumbing to… I don’t know, being built like the fucking Hindenburg. Detonator, an equally shitty robot, died at the start of the “Bulldog” event and failed to qualify for the semifinals while its builder had a complete autistic breakdown in front of the cameras. The boxy Scrapper put on a good show but ultimately lost to Recyclopse because a robot that’s as tall as a goddamned house can get toppled over pretty easily and that’s exactly what happened. Finally, Leighbot took its merry old time making it to the combat rounds but when it came face to face with Mortis’ JAPANESE weapon no amount of smoke-defeating utility fans could save them.


HEAT C COMPETITORS

Clarkson makes up some fake news about how the BBC wants them to air less violent shows because “the Robot Wars are spreading”, not realizing that Robot Wars wouldn’t be returning to American television for at least another couple of years. Anyway, that’s his sendoff to the arena introductions of this week’s competitors. Let’s see who’s who and what’s what.

"Computer-controlled regen... what the fuck even is this?"

“Computer-controlled regen… what the fuck even is this?”

CRUELLA: Jonathan leads in with Cruella’s “computer controlled regenerative braking” which is the stupidest goddamned word salad I’ve heard on this show yet. Cruella’s computer controlled regenerative braking and “Formula One inspired traction control” allows the robot to park itself right on top of the arena floor grates, presumably immobilizing it during its own fucking introduction.

PLUNDERBIRD 1: Jesus Christ this looks like a fucking G.I. Joe base made out of cardboard and wood. Why is it shaking so much when it drives like it’s running over rocks and shit? God damn, no amount of interchangeable weapons is going to make this turd anything more than a doorstop with Parkinson’s.

WYSIWYG: Here’s a robot that I hopes loses immediately so I don’t have to keep typing out that fucking acronym, which is something that will most likely happen because this robot weights just 11 kilograms. Why the fuck would you even bother building something that goddamned light when the rest of the field literally weighs eight times that? Is your shitty little ramp really going to be able to shove anything other than a toaster oven around?

...and what you get is "not much".

…and what you get is “not much”.

ROBOT THE BRUCE: “Don’t let the transparent bodywork fool you, there’s more to this robot than meets the eye.” Really, Jonathan? Do tell. Go on, I’m waiting, because all I see right now is a shitty trapezoid with ridiculous ground clearance and absolutely no weaponry to speak of. What’s its secret? Does it win by telling racist jokes or something?

WEDGEHOG: Wow, the hits just keep on coming in this episode. Wedgehog looks like a fat black WYSIWYG and that comparison isn’t far off because this robot weighs a measly 24 kilos. Okay, so there’s apparently weight classes in Robot Wars… but why the fuck are they dumping all of them into one pool? Enlighten me as to how a robot driven by two cordless drill motors is going to more than scratch the paint on anything other than WYSIWYG. Fuck, it’s like these people want to win even less than the people who built Barry.

DREADNAUT: Look at this ridiculous Power Rangers-looking piece of shit. Upon entering the arena Dreadnaut pulls a Shockmaster and smashes head first into the fucking wall. This looks like the only robot other than Plunderbird that has an active weapon, too. Fucking hell, this is going to be a painful episode.


THE GAUNTLET

Here we see the Philippa in her natural habitat.

Here we see the Philippa in her natural habitat.

Philippa gives us all yet another brief rundown of the Gauntlet and motions towards the House Robots who will attack you if you veer to the far side of the obstacle course. Actually, Philippa, from what I’ve seen thus far the House Robots are going to attack you no matter where you fucking go so it’s better to just floor it down the alleyway over there and dodge them all.

CRUELLA is up first and immediately goes for Shunt, probably because they were able to see 18 years into the future and read this article that makes fun of their stupid reverse Dalmatian robot and heed my advice on the obstacle course. Shunt stops the intruder, but Cruella pulls a sweet juke and gets around the House Robot and then immediately begins taking down the “silver skittles”. I guess Cruella did nothing more of importance because the team suddenly runs out of time and Clarkson comes over to ask them what the fuck that was all about. Not realizing they’re being dicked with, the drivers provide meaningful and optimistic answers. If that was the Road Block team a fist fight would’ve broken out instead.

DREADNAUT takes up the challenge next and just looking at this action figure vehicle just pisses me off. Dreadnaut believes the three delineated paths of the Gauntlet to be a suggestion more than anything and immediately barrels through the arena props and obstacles in a diagonal line over to the House Robot alleyway. The camera cuts to British Donald Hutson who shows off the lifting forks of his robot, then we’re thrown back into the fray as Dreadnaut escapes Dead Metal’s ass. Has Dead Metal even used its saw blade at all during this event thus far? Since Matilda isn’t paying attention, Dreadnaut manages to make it to the end of the Gauntlet ensuring that it advances onward.

"put it out put it out PUT IT OUT FUCK"

“put it out put it out PUT IT OUT FUCK”

Then Dreadnaut catches fire. When the team opens up their robot and removes its shell to put the fire out it’s made visible to everyone that Dreadnaut is impossibly intricate. Like, really. No wonder the goddamned thing caught fire you guys, you basically stuffed an entire fucking RadioShack under the hood. Here I was expecting to see some He-Man and Power Rangers figurines.

PLUNDERBIRD takes the stage and as the camera cuts to the team Jonathan’s description of how they aspire to meet Aerosmith pretty much tops any snarky comment I can come up with about these shitheads who wear sunglasses indoors. Without missing a beat Plunderbird gets shoved onto the arena grate by Shunt, which pretty much wraps this one up so the editors cut to the team introduction to fill some air time. Plunderbird’s driver shows off his robot’s battering ram which has a laser-guided sight, which is like putting a scope on a fucking tactical knife. Meanwhile, Shunt keeps trying to cause damage to Plunderbird using its anemic axe and barely manages to cut a tiny nick into the robot’s armor. The judges mercy kill this run and Plunderbird’s driver, whom I’m assuming is portraying some sort of fucking movie villain, says “we’ll get them next time”.

Yeah, you sure will buddy. You and your laser-guided battering ram.

Above: The most useless goddamned weapon ever.

Above: The most useless goddamned weapon ever.

WYSIWYG is next in line and within seconds gets stuck on the middle ramp. Shunt, wondering just what’s so great about this goddamned ramp that people can’t stop getting stuck on, comes over and does the same. If by this point you’re expecting the editors to cut to the team introduction for this robot then you’re absolutely correct. WYSIWYG’s driver greets us and introduces her robot, then points out it has wooden armor because we apparently needed another reason to laugh at this miserable piece of shit. Jonathan says the driver likes football. That means she likes soccer.

The wedge robot is actually able to get free with the help of Dead Metal, who was seeing if its bro Shunt was okay, and– wait a second do you hear that noise? Hang on. Is WYSIWYG built from a fucking remote controlled car? Holy shit. It totally is. I know the sound of a cheap electric motor and toy gearbox when I hear it. Wow. And WYSIWYG managed to get a better distance than Plunderbird, too. Imagine how far it would have gotten if the builder included a laser-guided battering ram.

WEDGEHOG follows and takes the strategic route of going through the cattle gates because the builders know that their lightweight pile of parts wouldn’t last two seconds with the House Robots. Wedgehog makes a hilarious “thunk” against the arena wall while Jonathan talks about driving skill, the editors cut to the team, then back to the arena where Shunt tries to fuck with the corkscrew platform to get to the tiny robot. Wedgehog takes refuge on the spikes and sits the rest of the match out while spying on Dead Metal’s donut challenge.

ROBOT THE BRUCE is the sixth and final robot to brave the Gauntlet in this episode. Despite having no weapon, the robot is built like a brick shithouse and is able to plow past Shunt and the House Robots without any trouble at all whatsoever. Also, I didn’t know the guy who voices Pip in South Park built robots. You learn something new every day.


ROBOT FOOTBALL SOCCER

u just kik dis ball inna goal and u win

u just kik dis ball inna goal and u win

Throughout the Gauntlet, after Dreadnaut’s goofy ass fucking blew up, we’d keep getting updates from the pits as Philippa bothered the builders who were feverishly rebuilding and rewiring their creation. If they weren’t able to fix their robot then that means they’d be disqualified and Plunderbird would move on to the next event, which happens to be robot soccer. The short of it is that Dreadnaut was restored to a working state sans-weapon and Plunderbird were shown the door and told that if they were going to come back next year to not dress like the Columbine massacre. Clarkson explains the rules of robot soccer but honestly it’s pretty basic; the last robot remaining that hasn’t scored a goal is eliminated. Permanentckly.

Robot the Bruce takes control of the ball early on, and then Dreadnaut comes in like a fucking idiot and shits up that plan. Dreadnaut almost scores a goal out of sheer luck, but instead passes the ball to Wedgehog whose added grappling arms almost allow it to sneak in for the kill-steal. Instead, Robot the Bruce steals the ball back and scores a goal because of course the heaviest robot in the arena isn’t going to be hindered by anything. (Except the Power Rangers Space Force playset that salted its game moments prior.) The match starts up again without Bruce and none of the remaining players except for Wedgehog seem to give a shit. Dreadnaut starts goal tending like a fat retard who doesn’t understand sports but still wants to play them, and WYSIWYG is too light weight to do anything other than be used as a second ball in the arena.

SPORTS!

SPORTS!

Wedgehog sneaks in for a second try at a covert goal, but apparently chokes right before the goal, shits its pants, and stops working. Dead Metal inadvertently scores a goal against itself and the judges award the point to Wedgehog because it touched the ball last. That’s fair I guess. Wedgehog is removed and the match starts up again. Cruella reminds everyone that it’s still here and takes control of the ball because the only other two robots are Dreadnaut, who isn’t working, and WYSIWYG who is still getting thrown around by the opposition. The officials are getting ready to start the match again with Cruella removed from the field, but Jonathan announces that both of the remaining robots have broken down. Dreadnaut is quite obviously totaled after arbitrarily catching fire in the obstacle course, and since WYSIWYG is literally a toy car its batteries probably ran dry or something stupid like that.

The judges rule in favor of the robot who had the most “touches” on the ball, which… wait for it… was fucking Dreadnaut. This thing just will not fucking die. Dreadnaut is the only robot in the history of forever that has managed to keep winning by losing consistently. Even Jonathan acknowledges Dreadnaut’s unprecedented ability to win by being total shit. Clarkson comes on stage to make fun of WYSIWYG’s driver and shits on her dreams by saying she performed just well enough to earn a trip home. Why can’t they just tell both assholes to go home and then call up the Plunderbird team and let them know they found two robots worse than theirs and that they need to come back?


ROBOT THE BRUCE vs. CRUELLA

ROBOT THE BRUCE

Team Chaos

Weapon: None

CRUELLA

University of East London

Weapon: Wedge

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

The fight starts out and progresses exactly as you’d imagine a fight between a wedge and a box that’s ten feet off the ground would go. Bruce immediately starts climbing atop Cruella, who appears to be too weak to do anything with its opponent which begs the question of why these people bothered to build a fucking wedge. Also every time they cut to Bruce’s driver I lose my shit because they couldn’t give Mini Me a box to stand on and he looks like a kid peeking over the railing. A bald kid.

Bruce is able to easily overpower Cruella from any direction other than the front, but that doesn’t really matter since the wedge robot abruptly drives forward and knocks itself out on the arena grating. This was all part of Bruce’s plan to convince its opponent that they were doing arena introductions again since Cruella cocked it up the first time. The judges call the fight off immediately because some time between right now and the first episode they’ve declared the grating to be an instant lose if you touch it. They’ll probably change their minds by the next fight.


DREADNAUT vs. WEDGEHOG

DREADNAUT

The Blade Runners

Weapon: Lifting forks Nothing

WEDGEHOG

(No Team Name)

Weapon: Pick axe & wedge

It might not look like it, but Wedgehog is winning here.

It might not look like it, but Wedgehog is winning here.

Dreadnaut, as you may recall, got here by breaking down in every event but still somehow convincing the judges to let it progress forward. It enters the arena to do battle with Wedgehog, a robot that’s nearly 60 kilograms lighter. Sensing its opponent is just a sack of recalled electronics vaguely in the shape of a Dinozord or whatever, Wedgehog wastes no time getting up in Dreadnaut’s face even though it lacks the power to push it around. Sergeant Bash tries to get in on some of this action and its saw blade once again calls it quits and blows up, turning into a hat for Wedgehog to wear. Is it really that hard to use an actual saw blade on your robot, Bash? Scrapper from last week’s show had like fifty of them. I’m sure it’d loan you one if you asked.

As expected Dreadnaut catches fire again and stops working, losing to a robot one quarter its weight. Nice one, Dreadnaut. Did its builders do any legitimate testing with their machine? Why is it that this robot has went up in smoke three fucking times in the same episode? Are they just stapling wires or something equally as retarded? The camera cuts to Philippa talking to the Robot the Bruce team wherein Mini Me says it shouldn’t be any problem to beat up a robot a fourth their size, completely ignoring the fact that he probably wouldn’t be as cocky if his teammate tested that theory by punching his lights out.

Clarkson calls Wedgehog’s weapon “pathetic”. Wedgehog’s drivers don’t take the bait. Dreadnaut is presumably wheeled off in a trash bin.


ROBOT THE BRUCE vs. WEDGEHOG

ROBOT THE BRUCE

Team Chaos

Weapon: None

WEDGEHOG

(No Team Name)

Weapon: Pick axe & wedge

"just fuck me up, fam"

“just fuck me up, fam”

Before the match, Wedgehog’s drivers have an epiphany that since their robot is tiny and doesn’t have a solid weapon that they’re probably not going to win since this time their opponent isn’t a hunk of smoldering batteries. Better late than never, I guess. Robot the Bruce’s driver also has an epiphany that their robot’s ground clearance was kind of an issue in its previous match.

Better late than never, I guess.

Since Bruce is literally nothing but motors it’s able to drive through Wedgehog like it’s not even there. Wedgehog is placed gingerly on the grating and the House Robots start reenacting the curb scene from American History X. Bruce tries to get in a second time but is pushed away by Shunt who informs the robot “back off, he’s ours now”, then goes back to dilating Wedgehog’s anus with its axe.


With this article coming to a close, we’re exactly halfway through Robot Wars: The First Wars. Shoutouts, and my condolences, to the former Official Robot Wars group on Facebook who’ve enjoyed the articles so far but had to close down due to complications with the new version of Robot Wars that recently rebooted. You know, the one we’re celebrating by watching all of these stupid robots fuck up an obstacle course and whatever. It’s an interesting and unfortunate predicament everyone’s in, but I hope some inappropriate humor will brighten up your week!

Also, super shoutouts to MystrSyko who’s currently doing something similar to The Update with Robot Wars, except in video form. He’s a big fan of BattleBots Update and our articles from BattleBots’ sixth season inspired him to create videos also about Robot Wars in celebration of the aforementioned BBC reboot. We kind of went after the same target without being aware of the other’s work, making for an amusing coincidence. He’s a couple of episodes ahead of us (one away from the Grand Final as I write this) so if you want to check him out here’s a playlist of everything he’s created so far.

Be sure to follow BattleBots Update on Facebook to keep up to date on all the neat little things we’re working on and all that!

– Dracophile

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