[Robot Wars UK: S8 is available online through the BBC.]

Hey, it’s Update time! Previously on Robot Wars TR2 claimed a place in the grand final after sending Dantomkia back to the used car lot that its current team purchased it from. Other competitors left in the dust included tons of veterans such as Big Nipper and King B, but more importantly there were bots like Supernova which lost after blowing its own weapon to fucking pieces and Orte (Bigger Brother), who lost after being partially responsible for Supernova’s weapon — uh — going supernova. There were also the late newcomers Glitterbomb and Overdozer, two robots from teams who put more thought into what bright ass neon color to paint their creation than into building a robot that actually fucking worked. This week as always we have eight more robots vying for a place in the Grand Final. With only two spots left this could get ugly.


ONE GROUP TO RULE THEM ALL

Jazz hands!

From what I’ve been told APOLLO is actually a descendant of former Robot Wars competitor Kronic the Wedgehog making it the second robot this season to be named after something from Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. Regardless of its questionable history within the sport, I can safely say that Apollo’s team is comprised entirely of #1 kissboys that I would be too nervous to ask out. I’d be nervous because I’m just socially incompetent, not because I’d be uncertain if the builders were “batting for my team” if you catch my drift; anyone who flashes jazz hands doesn’t use those same hands to grab titties. Anyways Apollo has mercifully ditched its gaudy blue and yellow paint job of yesteryear and returns with a very utilitarian black and white checkered motif. Low key and responsible, I like it. Speaking of “low key”, Apollo’s flipper is anything but. Capable of erasing most robots from existence, Apollo’s launcher can send opponents multiple feet in the air. This is a good thing because its opponents in this group are pretty much Ground Clearance City.

45 kg of demon barber, baby!

SWEENEY TODD is the first robot this next team has ever built, which is kind of obvious considering it looks like “one of those kinds of robots” and the fact that it weighs just 45 kg. To put this into perspective, the weight limit in Robot Wars is actually 110 kg. Sweeney Todd is the only middleweight at the event and because nobody else is dumb enough to build something this light the robot ended up getting tossed in with the heavyweights which are all more than double the weight. Despite its quite obvious shortcomings, Sweeney Todd has managed to be a Robot Wars “first”; no, it’s not something snarky like “literally the worst thing since Hitler” but instead it’s the first robot to use Mecanum wheels. Mecanum wheels allow the robot to strafe, but since its driver has just gone on the record to admit she’s had very little experience driving the thing I guess that means we aren’t going to see any sweet jukes. You might be wondering why I haven’t mentioned Sweeney Todd’s weaponry yet. That’s because as far as I’m concerned the robot is unarmed.

Capable of giving out the world’s worst titty twister.

If you thought the paper trail of Dantomkia’s ownership was messy wait until you get a load of KAN-OPENER. For the longest time this robot was just a simple project managed by some guy and his dad who wanted to build a hydraulic crusher with the world’s stupidest tagline. Following the end of Robot Wars’ original TV run various iterations of Kan-Opener were either given or sold to other teams including the guys who bought and re-entered Dantomkia because of course that was bound to happen. Furthermore, one of the various Kan-Openers out there ended up being sold to the team behind Tough As Nails. Did they reverse engineer its “more bite than a great white” technology in order to appropriate it into their own shitty creation? Hell if I know. The Kan-Opener you see before you today wasn’t even built by the original team. As it turns out, Jason Marston (the guy who built Thor) created this version and loaned it to the original builders for them to compete with. Yes, the team that “built” Kan-Opener didn’t really build Kan-Opener and instead had their own fucking robot loaned back to them. Jesus fuck.

Angela describes PP3D as “quite modest” and calls the other competitors “quite menacing”. Bitch, I can literally see the E-Tek motor mounted inside PP3D’s ass. Whatever that thing is attached to is going to be spinning so fast its tips will have turned into fucking plasma and whatever they touch is going to be erased from history. Then again I can also see a bunch of duct tape wrapped around PP3D’s weapon motor, so for all I know these guys genuinely think they can get away with mounting the equivalent of an atomic bomb in the sport of robot combat using only duct tape. PP3D’s spinner weighs 31 kg and the motor weighs about 10 kg. All together this is 41 kg, or pretty much the entire weight of fucking Sweeney Todd put into a spinning weapon of the goddamned apocalypse. The only thing “modest” about PP3D is the fact that the team didn’t slap a bumper sticker on it saying something like “rape rape rape fuck shit piss cocks bollocks”.


GROUP BATTLE 1

PP3D

PP3D Robotics

Weapon: Horizontal spinning blade

KAN-OPENER

Team Kan-Opener

Weapon: Hydraulic crushing jaws

SWEENEY TODD

Team Sweeney Todd

Weapon: Dual horizontal cutting discs

APOLLO

Team MAD

Weapon: Pneumatic flipper

All four robots nicely ordered from shittiest to least shittiest.

Kan-Opener opens the pit within the first two seconds of the match. More bite than a great white, more fright than utter shite. I say that, but immediately after opening the pit it makes a bee line for PP3D and tries to grab it by the face, presumably to drag it into the pit. Sure, there’s some strategy there but it more or less looks like a lack of faith in the destructive capability of Kan-Opener’s weapon. I can understand if Sweeney Todd dove for the pit because they don’t have a fucking thing going for them. PP3D gets a good bite on Kan-Opener while Apollo cruises over presumably to try and start a fight with a real robot and ends up turning into a space shuttle courtesy of the floor flipper. Yes, Jonathan makes an “in orbit” joke, a pun so bad it might as well be as certain as death and taxes. Apollo straight up chucks Kan-Opener at the arena wall but in doing so opens itself up for a hit from PP3D who takes a huge bite out of Apollo’s ass and rips one of its wheels off. “That will really affect their maneuverability,” Jonathan says. This fucking guy, I swear to god.

Apollo’s driver laments his inability to drive his robot with only one wheel while Kan-Opener finally gets the pinch they were looking for on PP3D. Meanwhile, Sweeney Todd doesn’t do a goddamned thing even though right now is the perfect time for a shitty vulture bot like it to scam some free points from the judges. A combination of the floor flipper and a broken-down Apollo break up the headlock between Kan-Opener and PP3D resulting in the spinner getting flipped over and turning into a slightly more dangerous version of BattleBots’ very own Surgeon General. For some reason everyone just starts taking turns getting their asses thrown around by the floor flipper because apparently no one has the foresight to continue this match away from the most annoying hazard in the fucking arena. PP3D gets nudged into Sweeney Todd and manages to tear one of Sweeney Todd’s cutting discs clear off. Man, if only that robot could strafe and duck around maybe it could’ve dodged that attack.

Sweeney Todd gets bodied by a space shuttle.

Apollo comes out of nowhere and throws Kan-Opener into the corner, breaking it. For a robot with only one wheel and a flipper that it can’t use without rolling over backwards this thing just refuses to fucking die. “More bite than a great white”? Not quite. Oh man, someone please give me Jonathan’s job. PP3D tries to get some free hits on Sweeney Todd, which I’m assuming has spontaneously broken down, but can’t seem to stay stable now that its 30 kg spinner has been lifted off the ground and tilted downward. Apollo continues to hold its own and starts launching both Sweeney Todd and PP3D over by the arena gate. It’s clearly trying to get Sweeney Todd out, which I don’t doubt that it can easily do, but with a broken drive system the best the team can muster is just repeatedly tossing the robot like a NASCAR wreck until the fight is called.

WINNERS: PP3D and Apollo


AND NOW, GROUP 2

peepo

TERROR TURTLE. There’s a lot I can say about this robot, most of it not very nice. I guess a good lead-in primer for introducing you to this robot is the fact that Terror Turtle has the worst record in Robot Wars history with five losses and a staggering — wait for it — zero wins. You’d think that maybe after like the second or third loss you’d take a look at your robot, which happens to be a fucking fiberglass turtle, and decide it was time for a new design that didn’t resemble a horrifying Lovecraftian nightmare with the fighting capacity of a sack of burning dog shit but hey you’re not the Terror Turtle team because these guys are deeply invested in their mistake. Now equipped with a roll cage and a wedge-shaped minibot, Terror Turtle is back to hopefully do something about the whole “0-5” record thing. Hopefully, but probably not.

“Interchangeable weapons.”

Legendary competitor STORM 2 returns to the arena still named Storm 2. I’m not really sure what it takes in order to establish a new evolution in the Storm lineage but there you go, the robot that the producers of Robot Wars absolutely fucking hate has returned. I mean that, too. Storm 2 is such an effective rammer that back in the day the show’s producers literally conspired to disqualify or otherwise prevent Storm 2 from competing going as far as to instate “active weapon” rules to hopefully discourage Storm 2 from coming back. The team stuck a lifting arm on their robot, told the producers to go fuck themselves into infinity, and managed to make it to the Grand Finals where they lost to Typhoon in a controversial decision. Imagine being panicked over a fucking wedge bot like Storm 2; just imagine how fucking petty you have to be to look at this machine and worry that people are going to call it “boring” and not watch your stupid robot show because of it. Storm 2 is capable of ramming people so hard into the goddamned wall that they get tossed out without the use of a flipper. Fucking Tornado can’t even do that, and Tornado was the shittiest and most boring robot in the fucking contest.

Seriously. It’s basically Hypershock.

Bad luck is an unfortunate reality of the sport and few others know it as well as SABRETOOTH. Originally showing up in the fifth series, Sabretooth started out as a barely functional pile of trash before slowly evolving into a better machine that sadly never got to realize its potential. After its vertical disc broke down in the sixth series Sabretooth’s team was forced to replace it with literally a fucking wheel and in the seventh series they built a horizontal spinner so powerful that they ended up being disqualified for it. Now, here they are once again looking like some kind of British version of BattleBots’ Hypershock minus the rake. The team is just as unlucky as ever though because Sabretooth enters this match without the ability to self-right because its srimech somehow broke before seeing any action in the field. Good job guys, with the luck you have I sincerely hope none of you ever develop a gambling problem.

ERUPTION is “yet another flipper” similar in style to Apollo, TR2, and all these others robots can can pretty much be best described as “a flipper, but with _______”. In this case, Eruption sports a pinching claw that it can use to bite into opponents before firing its flipper presumably to toss opponents over its back rather than simply up-ending them like a conventional flipper. I wish there was more I could say about this robot but to be honest with you there’s only so many ways I can convey the same design to you. This is the equivalent of Tombstone in the UK, the “me too” design that everyone tries to copy because “it’s just the best one and we don’t feel like trying to push the envelope”.


GROUP BATTLE 2

STORM 2

Team Storm

Weapon: Lifting arm

TERROR TURTLE

Team Terror Turtle

Weapon: Horizontal spinning disc

ERUPTION

Team Eruption

Weapon: Pneumatic flipper

SABRETOOTH

Team Legion

Weapon: Vertical spinning drum & clamp

SABERTOOTH CAT. No wait, wrong robot.

It’s telling that Terror Turtle has elected to lead in with its minibot while its primary constituent has taken quite a generous step back from the starting chevron on the floor. Also telling, and difficult to see, is that Sabretooth has apparently lost a belt or a chain or something right at the start of the match. Despite having the deck stacked against it, Sabretooth boldly starts chewing on Eruption’s face. Probably not the best enemy to make at this stage in the fight, especially considering Terror Turtle is right there, but hey YOLO as all the idiot young kids say these days. Terror Turtle’s minibot is doing fuck all to protect the larger bot as Storm 2 takes it straight into the wall while Jonathan keeps rattling off all this trivia about how “green” the robot is because it’s made of recycled parts and also apparently has a fucking wooden frame under its fiberglass shell. God damn dude, when has that touchy-feely “save the trees, man” mentality ever worked in the arena? Storm 2 is the most expensive robot in the field and has wheels that are probably made of toxic polymers whose fumes will cause 50 kinds of cancer if they are left on the flame pit for too long but look at how much ass it’s kicking right now.

Above: Terror Turtle blows up and doesn’t win.

Sabretooth continues to fuck with Eruption and ends up getting toppled over. It was a good run, I guess. I’m guessing Eruption somehow flips Storm 2 over as well because it’s spontaneously on its back as is Terror Turtle who gets shoved into the corner and Jonathan finally grabs that low hanging fruit by saying “turned turtle”. Everyone takes turns beating on Terror Turtle including its minibot who does a 180 twist in the air off of Storm 2’s wedge before bodyslamming its helper. This stunt ends up incapacitating the minibot against the wall, allowing Eruption and Storm 2 to manhandle Terror Turtle onto the stage pyrotechnics. Terror Turtle weakly tries to get its visibly bent up disc spinning, but Eruption comes in and shuts this shit down by straight up throwing the turtle out of the arena.

With Sabretooth on its ass, this leaves Eruption and Storm 2 as the winners.

WINNERS: Eruption and Storm 2


APOLLO vs. PP3D

PP3D, reduced to PP2D.

This ought to be a great first Head to Head match because Apollo’s builders are fucking terrified of PP3D after what happened in their first match. PP3D ruined Apollo’s shit so hardcore that in order to replace just a single broken wheel the entire thing had to be taken apart. Team MAD’s plan of attack for their rematch against PP3D is to just plow straight into them, a strategy that seems to work because right away Apollo is destabilizing the spinner while taking copious amounts of hits that just glance off of its armor. It’s Apollo that’s traditionally worried about damage to its wheels in this match, but out of nowhere the robot fires its flipper on PP3D and ends up ripping its right wheel off, throws it at the arena roof, and as it comes back down it just casually rolls by the pit release button before making its exit because surely it didn’t sign up for this bullshit.

Jonathan immediately goes into… overdrive… making puns about wheels while Apollo’s driver tries to steer his robot toward PP3D. Something’s clearly broken again inside of the flipper because I doubt the driver would be dumb enough to try backing into PP3D’s disc which has been open throttled in an effort to keep the damaged robot mobile. Apollo gets in a little lift and PP3D just flips the fuck out like a tilted Nintendo cartridge. PP3D’s convulsions are so powerful and severe that the bot internally self-destructs and dies by the arena wall.

WINNER: Apollo, KO


ERUPTION vs. STORM 2

nothing personnel, kid

This is a difficult fight to commentate because neither robot is really able to take advantage of the other, their wedges are just about on equal footing which results in Storm 2 winning in terms of drivetrain. Eruption manages to slip its flipping arm under Storm 2’s side skirts but doesn’t fire its flipper, presumably because the team can’t see from their vantage point of the fight. Jonathan starts rambling about how Eruption’s driver just might be one of the best in the sport right as Eruption gets taken to the floor flipper for an immediate contradiction. Eruption rights itself and flips onto the pit release button which reminds me that we’ve yet to actually see the pit come into play in this episode. For all this talk about driving skill and ability, Eruption really seems to just drive like the AI in that shitty Robot Wars game for the Game Boy Color; it gets hit, then it just backs up and pirouettes away. Lather rinse repeat.

A STORM has ERUPTED. I’ll see myself out now.

Eruption’s flipper has had its leading edge bent slightly which now allows Storm 2 to easily get underneath it, but because Eruption’s wheels are mounted all the way at the back that just means it can continue to spin around and flail away. Jonathan mentions the Storm 2 team is concerned that their motors might overheat during this match. Didn’t they spend something like £25,000 on this machine? That’s like $32,000 in the shithole I’m from. That’s easily a brand new car. A whole fucking car. You mean to tell me for the cost of an automobile you couldn’t find either A) motors that aren’t shit or B) an air conditioner? Eruption musters a single toss on Storm 2 which unfortunately doesn’t result in the rammer being inverted, which would likely afford another easy flip. Instead, Storm 2 shoves Eruption into the side of the arena while Jonathan informs us that Storm 2 can tow a short bus full of retards.

More importantly, however, is that Storm 2 has actually stopped working. This would’ve been a great time for yet another controversial moment in Storm 2’s history but I guess either the old producers are no longer involved with the show or they grew the fuck up, because the judges award 2 points to the rambot from hell.

WINNER: Storm 2, Judges’ Decision


STORM 2 vs. APOLLO

This guy printed out his DeviantArt submissions. He is my hero.

“We’re gonna go in with exactly the same configuration as our last fight,” says Ed Hoppit of Team Storm. You cheeky motherfuckers. Mark my words, Storm 2’s spinning disc “weapon” will see absolutely zero action during the course of this event. Apollo understandably has a hard time getting underneath Storm 2 which is something Jonathan chocks up to the rammer’s “FFF” or “Front Floor Flipper”, not to be confused with the “FFFF” or “Front Floor Flippability Factor” or even the “TAAS” — “These Acronyms Are Stupid”. The FFF goes out the window though, because Apollo manages to come at Storm 2 from an angle, catch it with the corner of its flipper, and toss the robot upside down. Storm 2 immediately tries to self right so if Apollo wants some free points for a second flip it’s gotta be fast, and fast it is because rather than mess with its own weapon Apollo leaves Storm 2 to be the floor flipper’s problem.

Apollo screams into the ether.

Apollo is quite obviously trying to get Storm 2 near one of the sides of the arena where the wall is cut away for an easy ring out, but fails to do so once Storm 2 rights itself and gets away. On the ropes, Storm 2 smashes that MF like button and opens the pit while Apollo’s driver ponders whether or not his robot has managed to lose a chain for the third fucking match in a row. Making the best of the situation, Apollo pretty much just says “fuck it” and throws caution to the wind, gets underneath Dead Metal, and throws it onto its back. Matilda comes in to inspect the damage done to her friend and decides to take her anger out on Apollo, which is a bad move because not only does Apollo also throw Matilda onto her back, its flipper misses on the first attempt and rips part of her ass off instead. Realizing that its opponent is in the process of the Robot Wars equivalent of going Super Saiyan, Storm 2 tries to end this by shoving Apollo down the pit.

Anyone who’s seen Dragonball Z knows this isn’t going to work because Apollo is operating on a whole different level of existence now and just casually floats across the pit like it’s not even there. The clock runs dry and right at the final second Apollo throws its flipper but unfortunately misses its mark. This sucks for us but is great for Storm 2 because if Apollo would’ve landed that hit we’d still be looking for Storm 2 as we speak.

WINNER: Apollo, Judges’ Decision


ERUPTION vs. PP3D

PP3D tears Eruption many new assholes.

Both of these robots are tied for last place with 0 points each, which is disheartening because neither one is particularly bad or shitty or anything. Dara asks Michael Oates, Eruption’s driver, if he’s going to flip the house robots to which he basically responds with “do you honestly think I’m retarded” while PP3D’s builder confirms their battle plan is to just turn their weapon on and walk away. Eruption just so happens to have incorporated sacrificial metal plates into its armor specifically for opponents such as PP3D, but that doesn’t stop the blue spinner from continuously digging in and throwing both robots in opposite directions and even going as far as to nearly rip out Eruption’s wheels a la Apollo. Michael realizes his robot probably can’t take this kind of punishment and goes for the pit release. Great call because the very next hit destroys one of the aforementioned armor panels and sends it flying into the fucking wall.

A genuine stalemate.

This final hit was so legendary that it has actually broken both robots. Eruption’s lost function of the wheel on the side that lost its armor plate while PP3D seems to have broken a motor or a gearbox as it still has both of its wheels except the right one is dead. Both robots begin hobbling back and forth to try and glide into each other to continue the fight but the cripple battle starts to go south for Eruption who starts randomly smoking. Michael fires the flipper to either vent the smoke or to try and jostle whatever’s broken back into place, but Eruption is still toast. Jonathan contemplates suicide. The clock actually runs down on this fight, which I’m hoping was a mercy kill and the officials didn’t let this potato fight go the full three minutes because otherwise holy shit.

The judges call the fight in favor of PP3D and I want you to watch the frame right before they cut away from when the Eruption team is visible because the driver gives the greatest “are you fucking shitting me” reaction I’ve ever seen.

WINNER: PP3D, Judges’ Decision


A SERIES OF TUBES

“OY! FUCK YOU MATE!”

Dara O’Briain tries to start this next segment with Dr. Lucy Rogers but ends up screaming at Uncle Scrooge from the Chompalot team for banging on their shitty dragon robot the moment he starts talking. With the Chompalot crew suitably silenced, Lucy starts talking about this wild new creation known as “The Internet”. Now, this is some heavy stuff and she doesn’t do a good job explaining what it is so here’s a clip from the greatest movie ever made to help you better understand “The Internet”. It seems like they’re having two different conversations though, because at first Lucy starts talking about people meeting over the Internet to talk about robotics and then presumably forming teams or friendships in the offline world (or “meatspace” as experts like to call it), but then the start rolling footage of smart watches and Lucy brings up the Raspberry Pi computer and goes off on this weird tangent that doesn’t involve autists bitching on social media about whether or not Tentomushi is a shitty robot.

These two points eventually converge when Lucy says if you want to learn more then just “look online” and you’ll presumably find communities of local enthusiasts. If not, there’s always Reddit! I love that her point applies to literally anything, not just robotics. I mean, take it from me. Let’s say for example you spent the majority of the dinosaur scenes in Jurassic Park looking at the back half of the velociraptors. Want to know more? Just look online! There’s plenty of other people who are doing the exact same thing and they even have conventions where you can not just attend while wearing overpriced animal costumes, but fuck in them! One thing I do want to stress, however, is that if you’re looking for camaraderie in something like pedophilia then there’s a 100% chance that “lonely 13 year old” you’re Skyping with is actually a cop and you’re going to Ultra Jail™.

Also, shoutouts to Dara being unable to have a conversation with someone without being in their personal space.


ERUPTION vs. APOLLO

DO A FLIP

It’s a good thing these two robots have different paint jobs otherwise I probably wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. Here’s a hint though: one of them has won every fight it’s been in thus far while the other has lost all of them. I swear to god Jonathan delivers his first few sentences of commentary mid yawn during this fight. Eruption tries to maneuver around to the back of Apollo to flip it over and spaghettis immediately, flipping itself over violently instead. Jonathan questions whether or not Eruption has “enough power” in its flipper to actually lift Apollo. Motherfucker, Eruption has enough energy behind its ram that the inertia from its flipper missing is enough to throw the robot onto its back. I can’t do the math behind it, but I’m literally 100% positive Eruption can lift Apollo. In fact, they do just that no more than five seconds later to prove it.

Eruption finally gets a good toss in while Apollo returns the favor causing Eruption to do a fantastic double twist on its front point. Style, control, damage, and aggression? Let’s have a conversation about fucking style, shall we? This really isn’t Apollo’s fight, but considering they’ve basically run a train on almost everyone they’ve fought thus far I guess they can afford to lose a match especially considering they have a guaranteed place in the heat final after this. Eruption throws Apollo once again while the white bot proves its flipper still works and that’s about it. Apollo gets counted out during one more ride through the air, and call me crazy but it looks like it actually comes back to life once it hits the ground? In any case, the outcome of this fight doesn’t really make a bit of difference; rain or shine, Apollo is still moving on.

WINNER: Eruption, KO


STORM 2 vs. PP3D

Out of context this looks like an old school Hollywood movie shoot.

“We’re against PP3D next, so we put your four-bar lifting mechanism on.” Every fucking time, I swear. Ed, you slay me.

Ed is convinced that if he can get PP3D flipped over that his robot will be too low for PP3D’s disc to hit. Clearly he hasn’t been paying attention to all the fights where PP3D violently shakes and rocks back and forth while its disc just indiscriminately drives itself and changes its orientation more times in a split second than the average Tumblr user does in a week. As any good fight between a killer spinner and a spinner killer goes, PP3D gets deflected upward while Storm 2 gets ejected to the side every time the two robots collide. To give you a better idea of how powerful PP3D’s spinner is and how tough Storm 2’s armor is, pay close attention to the massive goddamned chunk that PP3D rips out of the front of Shunt when it bounces off of the house robot’s scoop.

The amount of deflection caused by the force of PP3D’s weapon is literally crazy.

Something breaks on or in PP3D which causes this terrible grinding sound to flare up as the robot’s disc spins. Does this hinder the team at all? Fuck no. PP3D continues to spin its disc against all odds and pops Storm 2 once more who’s now starting to exhibit some of the common symptoms associated with “driving head on into a fucking spinner like there ain’t no tomorrow”. Sadly, this hit manages to fuck up PP3D’s other drive wheel similar to what happened in its previous fight. This kills PP3D directly atop the pit and as soon as Storm 2’s team notices this they start freaking the fuck out trying to steer their £25,000 creation into a fucking tire nailed to the wall.

PP3D goes into the pit and since this is the last we’re going to see of them I can whip out the remark you’ve all been waiting this entire article for, “three-dimensional pee pee”.

WINNER: Storm 2, KO


HEAT FINAL
APOLLO vs. STORM 2

APOLLO

Team MAD

Weapon: Pneumatic flipper

STORM 2

Team Storm

Weapon: Lifting arm

NO. FUCKS. GIVEN.

Both of these heat finalists are fantastic machines that each have some of the most unique histories in Robot Wars. Apollo managed to go to infinity and beyond way past its former image of being a Sonic the Hedgehog gimmick and has pretty much made a name for itself being what is probably the most ridiculously photogenic flipper this side of Wheely Big Cheese. Apollo threw Kan-Opener until it broke, then went on to do the exact same thing to Storm 2 and PP3D in the Head to Head rounds, even going as far as to rip a whole fucking wheel off of PP3D in the process. Those weird rivets you saw in PP3D’s wheels afterward? Insurance against something like what Apollo did not happening again. Meanwhile Storm 2 probably flew in under the radar because they brought along interchangeable weaponry while secretly never planning to use anything other than their lifting arm. I’d bet money that there’s nothing operational in the disc other than it being heavy and looking like a functional piece of equipment to laymen. Storm 2 trampled Terror Turtle before overpowering both Eruption and PP3D. It also came out behind in its previous run-in with Apollo, so this should be an interesting match.

The storm has… BLOWN OVER.

Storm 2 makes taking Apollo over to Shunt its first priority, almost like the team forgot what happened the last time a house robot got involved. To help us all remember, Apollo just tosses Shunt onto its back like fucking nothing. Whereas Apollo’s drivers were nervous and sort of embarrassed the last time this happened, right now they’re whooping and hollering like a bunch of backwoods rednecks who just heard the US election results. Jonathan reminds us that this kind of behavior isn’t worth any points. Haha, fuck off old man Apollo is legit and you know it. Moments later Storm 2 is on its back courtesy of Apollo. With Storm 2 upside down this is primetime for an easy flip which Apollo manages to seize this time around and chucks its opponent into the plexiglass.

Matilda goes over to help out Shunt, presumably so both of them can get revenge and proceed to take turns dilating Apollo’s anus, but before any fuckery can take place Apollo has flipped Storm 2 into the wall and out of the arena. The team loses their shit as they realize they’ve just piloted their Challenger mess of a robot into the Grand fucking Finals.

WINNER: Apollo, KO


Apollo definitely isn’t the robot that I think any of us were expecting to come out ahead in the end, but I guess to an extent you really can’t be surprised when we’re talking about a robot that’s turned everyone except for Sir Killalot ass-up with a single thrust. Apollo also threw Storm 2 completely out of the goddamned arena so that’s another facet to keep in mind. Sure its wheels are made of compressed plastic and glass and break when you do so much as fart near them but when push comes to shove, Apollo disregards the rules and kicks you into the stratosphere. It’s an unfortunate end for Storm 2, but there is still that one wildcard spot for the 6th grand finalist. We’ll find out who #5 is next week.

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– Dracophile